I just turned 23 this weekend &I’m craving fresh new changes. Something more exciting. Something life-careers related. Perhaps somewhere new? Not necessarily an entirely new city. But just a new environment, even in the slightest, a new apartment with just myself and one or two other people tops. Two people who have the same living habits and social life as me. Maybe I do want a new location, but I still have a year and a half til I can do that even if I wanted. I feel restricted. I crave something new, I crave it soo badly. Daydreaming. A year and a half from now, unless a great job opportunity comes up or a different responsibility arises, I can teach on a year contract in New York City or Miami. How awesome would that be, definitely a change of environment. Now to wonderlust over pictures.
I cannot sleep for the life of me, even if I tried. Insomnia rarely hits me anymore because of the nightly supplements I take, but for some odd reason I’m up right now &this sucks :|
Some days are harder than others, I think for hours how to get through the next. It’s days like these I wonder why I’m not there with you, but I’m keeping strong and just trying to get through one of those days.
"Then what is it that you fear, dear?" I was asked.
"I fear that I’ve put so much heart in to so many things or people that I no longer have or may have never had.
All I wanted was a dad, I never got that.
All I wanted was a friend, that friend raped me.
All I wanted was a foolish teenage love, but that went wrong.
All I wanted was a passionate, raw, first-love, but that went wrong too.” I replied.
"Those were past waves, but what now."
And so I really thought about it.
"I realized if I wanted love, I’d have to love myself &so I did. I fell for me madly &caught myself passionately and unconditionally, the way I always wanted to feel love from another.
&What I have now, a man who loves me for all of me, for my strengths, my courage, my love, but for my weakness, my mistakes, and my flaws as well. I’m so in-love, it scares me to think I could lose something so good.
But what I must remind myself, is that once I loved me first for all of me, I genuinely found people who love me for all of me. So, most importantly, what matters is that I now know that pure, raw, real love exists because I showed myself that. I was my first example and now this man is my second.
I take the risk to be hurt because I’m worth feeling this kind of love and I found someone worth this kind of love as well. I love him and I love me, so however this ends I truly know it will all be worth it.
I get it now, I have nothing to fear.”
"When ya know, ya know." Thanks for catching my fall, babe (;
Someday I am going to have to have the conversation with my son. No, not the conversation all parents dread giving and all kids are mortified having. I enjoy making people uncomfortable so that conversation should be fun. No, I’m talking about another conversation. The one that happens after I catch his eye doing what&